Forgiving your abusers?

Why do people make a big deal about forgiveness to your abuser?

I mean it’s not like they have asked or apologised for what they have done.

And if they did apologise would it be real, or would they just be saying it for the sake of everything being better for them.

When I spoke to my last therapist, I mentioned about my step brother going to prison and the counselling he received. I wondered if therapy actually worked for sexual abusers or if they merely play the system to get out early.

Still having those feelings. I know this probably sounds all like a bad conspiracy theory, but it crosses my mind. I mean they are good actors after all, and well wouldn’t they put that good acting to use in prison too.

I am not forgiving my step brother nor the man who raped me. As far as I am concerned they do not deserve forgiveness. If they really did want to apologize they would have done it by now.

People say forgiving them takes the weight off, but I think it just helps cover the subject further.


5 thoughts on “Forgiving your abusers?

  1. I’ve been saying this for years. It’s almost universally believed among Christians that you must forgive everybody, even when they don’t ask, but it’s not biblical. It’s like saying, “I do,” before one even proposes. How highly inappropriate! And it loses all meaning. When you change the definition of things, everything falls apart and words have no significance. Anything can mean anything. That is confusion and it is not of God.

    I’m sorry for your horrible experience, PD. May God reward those evil men according to their works and may God heal you in the way only he can.

  2. My past human service experiences with domestic violence and sexual assault victims prompted me to comment here. I hope it will help.

    As a teacher I often witnessed one child hurt another on the playground, and use the words ‘she fell down’ to describe what happened. Adults in charge immediately focused on the apology and forgiveness piece. He said, “I’m sorry.” She said, “It’s okay.” Later I saw this pattern repeat in adult perpetrators. He pushed her and she fell down the stairs, but he said “she fell down.” Worse (in my mind) was when he said, “I’m sorry,” and she went back (because it’s okay if he’s sorry).

    I believe there is a rush to forgiveness in Western culture. I’ve come to the point in my life where I sarcastically say “God, will forgive me” when people make me feel there’s something wrong with Me for not honestly being able to forgive a violent perpetrator. I’m sorry this happened to you. Focus on your own healing process, and remember that God will forgive you too if you’re not ready now or ever to dismiss a wrong doing in the name of forgiveness.

  3. I am sorry for what you had to go through. They – Psychologists, Councellors, Spiritualists, self-help literature – says forgiving is part of healing. Do not forgive for the sake of your abuser – do it for your own sake, so that you can rise above him – or her – so that you know you are a better human being than him. This is why ‘they’ say you should write him a letter – even if you never give it to him. Write it for yourself. The anger, the bitterness, the wish for revenge, the hurt are anchoring you down. Free yourself those feelings and from him. He is not worth your pain.

  4. I agree with you PD. I don’t believe in forgiveness for the worst transgressions. People knowingly do evil because they have the power at that time and they think that can get away with it. Forgiveness only makes them feel better not you. Only punishment can expiate their evil. I’m not a Christian so I don’t follow that teaching, which I imagine is good in most situations, but not all. I think forgiveness and meeting face to face with some criminal is idiotic at best. I feel better when the evil are punished. We humans naturally rejoice when we see our tormentors punished with equal torment.

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